


Then He’s Gone

by reveil



Category: Ao no Exorcist | Blue Exorcist
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Established Relationship, F/M, Gender-neutral Reader, Heavy Angst, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Manga Spoilers, Mental Instability, One Shot, Reader-Insert, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-01
Updated: 2020-09-01
Packaged: 2021-03-06 15:48:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,490
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26241415
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/reveil/pseuds/reveil
Summary: Being with you isn't enough for Yukio anymore.
Relationships: Okumura Yukio/Reader
Comments: 2
Kudos: 22





	Then He’s Gone

**Author's Note:**

> MAJOR manga spoilers, especially about Yukio!

You wanted to say curiosity was what led you here, that it wasn’t because you wanted to know where Yukio was going. But it wasn’t curiosity; it was _worry_.

You had no idea what he was thinking coming here.

Far away from True Cross Academy, with no lights to illuminate the streets, were buildings that had long ago been abandoned by society. Windows were blown out, and on the ground was loose trash like crumpled boxes and broken furniture.

You were only able to follow Yukio because of the flashlight he was carrying, that cool white light impossible to miss, but after a while he stopped at a small building, walking in like he had never feared the dark.

A minute passed, then you followed him, sticking close to the walls, keeping Yukio in your line of sight.

If he knew you were doing this, you would be so screwed. But this was for his own sake, you reasoned, ignoring the bug you were certain had crawled near your shoe.

You were doing this for Yukio. Doing this for Yukio, doing this for—

“ _Psst!_ Hey.”

You startled, almost attacking the voice’s owner with whatever you could until you saw him. “ _Shima?_ What are you doing here?”

"Same as you. Spying on teach!" Shima grinned, sliding behind you as you both heard a rain of bullets. Yukio had begun shooting at the demons around him, and they were a type whose power was in numbers. The more there were, the more dangerous it was.

But against Yukio, numbers meant nothing. He shot them all dead-on.

“I’m not spying,” you defended. “I’m not _you_. I just…” You weren’t even sure how you were supposed to describe what you were doing

“Go on,” Shima encouraged, leaning against the wall. “Teach’s too busy shooting up the place to hear us, anyway.”

You hated how true that was. And it was yet another thing that worried you.

Normally, Yukio would’ve never let you or Shima, even with his experience as a spy, tail him for this long. He would’ve known who either of you were, pointing a gun at you both before you could even think of escaping.

Or if he didn’t know Shima was here, then he would’ve definitely known _you_ were.

“Lately, he always looks so tired,” you said. “Rin says he goes somewhere at night for hours at a time before he comes back. Yukio would never tell me if I asked him about it so I…”

So you followed him.

Seeming to understand, Shima nodded and sighed. “My reason’s lame. I’m just here for the Illuminati. Think they’ll mind much if I tell Mephisto how Yukio’s been spending his nights?”

“You’d know better than I do.” You turned, trying to see what Yukio was doing now, but it was still more of the same: shooting. “About Mephisto…” you said, looking back at Shima. “You should tell him. This is something a Chairman should know about.”

“You won’t mind?” Shima raised his brows, incredulous. “Teach— _Yukio_ —is your boyfriend.”

“Who doesn’t give a shit about his own sleep or safety. Just look at him.” You glanced at Yukio, knowing Shima would copy you. “If Mephisto can stop this, then I don’t care if Yukio’s upset.”

That was a lie. You would care. You already cared too much by following him here. But at least, an upset Yukio would’ve been in a safer place than some building like this.

“I think… it’s a little too late for that,” Shima said, a strained smile on his face. “I don’t get why he keeps doing this. It’s like he’s trying to kill himself.”

“What?”

Shima startled, pushing himself off the wall. “Sorry! I should’ve—” Shima cut himself off, before realizing it was no use pretending he hadn’t said anything. “I’ve been watching him for days—or nights, I guess,” he admitted finally.

Your throat suddenly felt dry. “What… happened on those other nights?”

“Stuff like this.” Shima’s eyes darted to Yukio. “He puts himself in danger and gets himself out of it at the last minute. Every time.”

You and Shima didn’t speak for a moment. There were pockets of silence when Yukio didn’t fire his gun, but they never lasted long before the shooting started up again.

“And you think he’s trying to kill himself?” you asked quietly.

“It’s what I saw,” Shima said, looking guilty. “He saves himself, but he hasn’t stopped trying since the first time he did it.”

You turned around, back against the wall, closing your eyes. You couldn’t watch anymore. “Yukio wouldn’t… Why would he want to die?” you asked, eyes opening again.

Shima shrugged. “Your guess is as good as mine. Maybe it’s the adrenaline rush, not dying when you think you will.”

You’d heard some people were like that, _lived_ for that. Hell, some students at the Academy loved it. That feeling of danger when they ventured out into the dark, searching for demons that thrived on it.

You weren’t one of them. No one in Yukio’s class was.

But this… What even was this?

“Or maybe it’s because of something else,” you said thoughtfully. Something neither you nor Shima knew about. Only Yukio.

“Or that,” Shima agreed, letting the silence linger before he hastily said, “Hey, so I just gotta ask—spy and all—if you talk to Yukio, are you gonna tell him I was here?”

Shima sounded slightly panicked, but you shook your head. “No, just me. Like you said, he’s too busy so he won’t know you were here.”

“Phew, thanks!” Shima said, relieved. Then his gaze turned serious, and it made you tense just seeing it. “Besides, I’d rather tell him myself.”

You decided not to ask him about it. Shima’s dealings with the Illuminati were already much more than you or anyone in class knew about. What else he did for them, you were better off not knowing.

“And Mephisto?” you asked instead, wondering what the Chairman was even doing at this time of night. Did he sleep? Or was he just plotting his whole night away?

“He’ll know what we do, tomorrow morning,” Shima reassured you, but it wasn’t reassurance you felt.

As always now, it was worry.

* * *

Much as you tried, you didn’t get much sleep that night, dark circles forming under your eyes. Sharing similar looks of concern, Izumo and Shiemi were quick to mention them, but dark circles were the least of your current problems.

You couldn’t concentrate in class. All you could think about was Yukio, and when you spotted Rin, you called out to him, “Rin! Have you seen Yukio? I couldn’t find him in the classroom.”

“Yeah, he’s at home! Doing work as always,” Rin said, mumbling that last part in annoyance.

“Thanks, I’ll head there now.”

Before you could leave, Rin asked, “Are you gonna talk to him? He’s been acting… _weird_ and—” Rin’s face scrunched up. “Whenever I try talking to him, he just shuts down but if you…”

“I am,” you said softly, “and I hope you’re right, Rin. Yukio needs to hear what we have to say.”

Rin smiled at you, but you couldn’t bring yourself to return it.

* * *

“Come in!” called a voice from inside, one that made your heart beat faster just from hearing it.

You opened the door slowly. “Yukio?”

“(Name),” Yukio breathed, turning around in his chair. He squeezed his eyes shut. “No… Did I forget something?”

“Not at all. We didn’t have anything planned for today.” You walked toward Yukio’s bed and sat on it, watching him take his glasses off. “I just wanted to stop by and see you.”

Yukio rubbed at his eyes before putting his glasses back on. “I’m sorry,” he said. “I know I’ve been busy lately.”

“It’s not just that, Yukio. You’ve been tired, and Rin says you’ve been—”

Yukio’s face hardened. “You’ve been talking to Rin about me?”

“Only because we’re both worried about you. You haven’t been getting enough sleep, and you’ve been…” you hesitated before admitting, “I was there last night at the building.”

“You followed me.” The accusation was clear in his voice.

“You wouldn’t tell me where you were going, even if I asked. And if I hadn’t, I would’ve never known you were trying to… to kill yourself.”

Yukio laughed bitterly, turning around in his chair. “I’m not trying to kill myself, and since you were there, you should know that.”

“But you always come close,” you pointed out. “It’s not just last night. I know there’ve been other nights too.”

“I didn’t know you mistrusted me this much.”

“That’s not—”

“Get out.”

“Yukio—” you tried, but he didn’t want to hear it.

“If you can’t trust me to stay alive, then there’s no point in this. So. Get. Out!”

Jumping from his voice, you stood and scurried to the door, not even looking back as you closed it. You knew anyway Yukio wouldn’t come after you.

* * *

Despite how badly things had gone, you followed Yukio again and again. And each time he didn’t notice, still too lost in his own gunfire to pay any attention to his surroundings.

You hoped Shima was somewhere, just in case things went south and you needed a hand to help Yukio.

But it was too late for that.

“Yukio!” you screamed, breaking into a run that was nowhere near fast enough.

He was falling. You wouldn’t make it. He’d die if you didn’t—

A bright light blinded you, and you couldn’t have seen where or who it had come from. Only when you opened your eyes did you see that Yukio was no longer falling. He was standing in the center of a large crater carved into the ground, surrounded by blue flames.

He hadn’t died. He’d been protected somehow. _By the flames?_

Too shocked to notice you, Yukio’s eyes darted to the gun on the ground, and you knew then what he wanted to do.

“Yukio!” Your scream reached Yukio’s ears before his hand did the gun.

He stared at you, eyes widened in fear. “(N-Name)… You saw that?” he gasped. “You shouldn’t have… You…”

You tried coming closer, but Yukio yelled, “No—stop!”

“Yukio, you almost died!” you sobbed. “Why are you doing this?”

“You don’t understand. I’m not—” Yukio brought a shaking hand to his face, as though needing to feel he was still there. “Don’t you see why I’m doing this?”

“No! You never say anything to me. Not even why you’d want to die. Please… help me understand.”

“I want to know if I’m like him.”

“Who?”

“Who else?” Yukio asked, exasperated. _“Rin.”_

“You don’t mean…” You blinked through your tears, glancing at the fading flames around Yukio. “But you said you didn’t inherit Satan’s flames like Rin did?”

“That doesn’t mean I can’t later in life.”

You wiped your face with a hand. “This can’t… There has to be another way to test yourself.”

“There isn’t,” Yukio said, his voice toneless. “This is all I can do.”

“I’m not going to just watch you try to kill yourself over and over.”

Yukio didn’t look at you. “I’m not asking you to do that. It shouldn’t even matter to you what I do anymore since we’re…” He didn’t finish, but you knew what he had meant to say.

You weren’t together anymore.

“Yukio,” you said, wishing he’d just look at you. “I love you… so please… stop doing this.”

You could see Yukio stiffen, shock on his face as he fixed you with a stare. “(Name)… You should go.”

“Not until you listen to me.”

Yukio’s eyes suddenly went to his pocket. It was faint, but you could hear it vibrating. “It’s from Mephisto. I have to get this.” With trembling hands, Yukio fished for his phone and held it to his ear. “Yes?”

He listened in silence, only ending the call with “I’ll be there soon.” Yukio turned to you. “It’s Shura. She’s been missing since yesterday. I have to go help find her.”

“Okay, but I—”

“Just go, (Name). Please,” Yukio said, and when he sounded like that, you couldn’t deny him.

You nodded, feeling lost and helpless.

* * *

Under Mephisto’s orders, Yukio and Rin had gone to Aomori Prefecture, where they had found Shura and fought Hachirotaro Okami. Rin had graciously spared you the details of _how_ they had interfered with the demon’s plans for Shura, but whatever had happened had been enough to make Rin turn red to even think about.

You had hoped traveling together alone would’ve brought Yukio and Rin closer as brothers, but it hadn’t. There was still a coldness to their relationship, which you felt had only worsened in the time since their mission.

And then Yukio was almost a completely different person, more so now that he had lost the full use of one arm. After fighting Hachiro, Yukio needed two months for rehab and to recover.

But his behavior had become erratic, and this latest incident was the last straw for you.

“Yukio,” you called, stopping him before he could slip away into the snowy night. “You... You pulled your gun on Bon.”

Yukio ignored you, turning back with a twisted expression. For a split second, you were afraid he would pull a gun on you next.

“You know what Rin and I know— _all_ we know—of our mother?” Yukio asked, only to answer himself. “That she was kind and beautiful and that Rin has her eyes. You know how we know that? Because Shura told us. Father Fujimoto couldn’t even bother to tell us himself.”

Before you could say anything, Yukio rambled on, “Rin doesn’t care about our birth, only I do. And then this—” Yukio held up a small thumb drive. “—revealed the truth. _Shiro_ was just a clone of Azazel. The True Cross Order is just as evil as the Illuminati is.”

You didn’t know what he was talking about, but it was clear he was hurting. “What happened?” you asked, voice soft.

Again, you were ignored and Yukio’s voice was equally soft. “You’re the only one who’ll listen.”

“I always will.”

Then, like a switch went off, Yukio said, “I’m joining the Illuminati.”

“What!? _Why_?”

Yukio smiled, but it didn’t reach his eyes. “Lucifer spoke to me. He said he can tell me about my birth. He can give me power.”

“You don’t know what he wants in return. You don’t want power from _him_ ,” you said, hoping Yukio would see the danger in that.

“Yes, I do,” he insisted. “You don’t know what the Order has done.”

“Then tell me,” you pleaded, but Yukio refused.

“You’re better off not knowing.” He turned away from you, like he couldn’t stand seeing you anymore. “Goodbye, (Name).”

“Yukio, please—”

But no matter how many times you called for him, he kept on walking, even as you sank to your knees.

And you knew Yukio, the boy you loved, was gone.

**Author's Note:**

> Love him, but Yukio frustrates me so much in the manga! I never thought I’d write anything for him, but there’s not a lot of reader-inserts for Yukio or Ao no Exorcist in general. It makes me feel sad because there’s so much that could be written for the characters. The angst for Yukio alone… oh man.


End file.
